Finding Physical and Emotional Intimacy After Cancer

Published on: 03/6/15

Sexual dysfunction after cancer was the beginning of person reflection and an opportunity to evaluate what I wanted and needed in my relationship. My side effects made intercourse impossible, and though intercourse was just one form of physical intimacy, the absence of it complicated our relationship and made communication difficult.

Our first attempt at intercourse was a complete fail. The pain was immediate and severe. We both hoped my body just needed more time to heal. Weeks later, our second attempt mirrored the first. So there we were, at the beginning of the journey to find intimacy again, and not able to have intercourse. And though I didn’t miss it from a physical pleasure perspective, I missed the connection I felt when we had intercourse. We didn’t substitute other forms of sexual expression in its place, and we didn’t acknowledge the change. I realized then, intercourse had been a way of communicating for us.

It was a way of speaking when we weren’t. It was a way to apologize when pride got in the way of words. It was the way to say I miss you, I’m still attracted to you, and I love you. It made me feel attractive and made him feel masculine. Without it, physical intimacy began to feel clumsy. We didn’t have a script. And we didn’t discuss it. I felt like it was impossible not to notice the disconnection. It was like not discussing an elephant standing in the room. I felt determined to figure it out, to figure out how to find that connection again, and achieve intimacy in the absence of sexual intercourse.

Intercourse had been the vehicle I used to achieve physical and emotional intimacy before cancer. It provided the connection to emotional intimacy. But it was off the table, and we needed to find connection in other ways. Though physical intimacy can lead to emotional intimacy it isn’t the only way to achieve it. If emotional intimacy is what you want in your relationship, there are ways to accomplish that.
First, think about what makes you feel whole, good about who you are, and interesting as a person?
When do you feel loved? What does that look like? Does it involve touching? Does it involve music, or talking, or outdoor activity, or just quietly being together?

If you want emotional intimacy in your life, first define it for yourself.  It might include intercourse, and it might not. Some activities, both sexual and non-sexual for you to consider are:

• Dance together (my favorite), or talk a walk, holding hands. The focus is on something else other than your conversation. You’ll be able to enjoy each other while you enjoy an activity.

• Turn off the TV and talk. It may seem easy, but at first can feel awkward. Stay with it, include feelings when it’s your turn to speak, and this can be a romantic, intimate experience.

• Cuddle with each other, with no expectation of sexual touch. You can both enjoy the moment of being together if you aren’t thinking about what may happen next.

• Shower together. Again, you can keep it light. A shower that includes washing each other, holding each other, and that’s all.

• Or have phone sex or sex online. This is a good way to experience each other’s words, inflection, and tone.
  Use your fingers to feed each other favorite foods. There’s just something about food!

• Rub lotion on each other. There’s nothing stronger than the sense of touch.

• Sexually kiss each other on every part of your body except your lips, have oral sex, masturbate together, or add a vibrator to your activity.

The intimacy you derive from any connection is a great place to start. If your goal is emotional intimacy, you can get there from here. If it’s physical intimacy you want, one approach to finding it, is through connecting on an emotional level. That place of connection is intimacy. Remember, sex is more than intercourse and intimacy is more than sex.

To get started thinking about what you want in your life, answer a few questions that will help you define emotional intimacy for yourself.

1. What do you love to do that makes the day worthwhile? Or even memorable?
2. When do you feel confident, or attractive, or optimistic about your life? When do you feel confidant or optimistic about the love between you?
3. How do you see your relationship today, versus before cancer?
4. What do you wish your partner knew without you having to tell them?
5. How important is it for your soul to find intimacy again? Why?

We’ll incorporate some of your answers into our next discussion on sexual communication. There are tips and simple strategies to make conversation about sex easier.

And of course, questions are welcomed and encouraged. Comment below!